


she was never any good with pain

by elentiya



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Introspection, Pain, a tiny lil character analysis, i rewatched all the movies and now im sad, they were all just children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:14:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23804455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elentiya/pseuds/elentiya
Summary: Clove is who she always was.
Kudos: 8





	she was never any good with pain

When she had first started, she'd been an easy target.

She was small, bony. Awkward and sharp. She didn’t get out of the way quick enough, she was thrown around. She almost always had bruises, and she’d lost countless teeth. When she was young, she wasn’t ruthless.

When she was young, she suffered.

::

She learnt to hide first. Learnt how to tuck in and to make herself small — smaller than she already was. It was a slow process. Human’s weren’t made to be invisible. The other kids still didn’t like her, still pinched her, bit her, slapped her. When they punched she tried not to cry.

She was never any good with pain.

::

So she made herself small. She worked on being quick, lithe, agile. She ran. Small and quick. That she could do. She sprinted and jumped and soon she got really good at it. She needed something else now. Needed an angle, needed a fight. Small and quick were well and good, but there was only so far you could run. Only so many places to hide. She needed to be dangerous next. She needed — _oh_. 

Knives.

::

She wasn’t good at first. Rarely was when she first tried things. She had to work at it day and night. Sleeping and eating were secondary. She’d collapse into her bed at night, and wake when her body could handle it. At first her arms ached constantly. Sometimes they’d ache as she tried to sleep. And she’d lie there, cradling one arm In the other, crying, jaw clenched, willing the pain away. Pain. 

She was never any good with pain.

::

She became small and quick and lethal. Her knives sliced through air so precisely… so quickly…

She loved the sound. 

They stopped bashing her around in-between lessons because she made them. Had sliced three fingers right off. Had stabbed through his palm, and stuck him onto the wall.

She had done it in the dining room. She wanted them to know she wouldn’t be fucked with. She had been dragged from the room by one of the tutors. They had shoved her into an office.

Standing before her had been the biggest trainer the centre had. He was ruthless, and he had always scared her. She wasn’t sure what would come next. She had just known she had had to prove herself. Said as much to him.

He stayed silent for a long while. He had smiled. He had agreed.

She was set to volunteer the following year.

::

She hates fire girl because she’s everything she isn’t.

The crowds love her, they adore her. They scream her name, and she’s radiant.

She hates fire girl because she wants to be her. 

But she’ll never admit that to herself.

::

She laughs and she taunts, but inside, something is starting to ache. The first kill — the only kill. She had wanted to be sick. She reeled it in, and she shut that part of her up so so tight. She needed to live, so they needed to die.

But for a moment, when she saw that boy fall, Clove wanted to be small again. She wanted to hide.

She was never any good with pain.

::

She knows she’s not a nice person. She laughed along with the rest of them at that girls screams. She hurt animals. She wanted to hurt fire girl more than she had ever wanted to hurt anything in her life — except… no that’s not right, is it?

She hated every single person in that training centre back in Two. She hated what she had become because of them. She hated herself above all.

But do you really think she’d ever admit to that?

::

She hadn’t woken up that day knowing she would die. She supposed that’s not really how it worked anyways. It had just been her and Cato. They were confident, laughing. They would win. The new rule would serve them, and them alone. Clove was startled at what it felt like to have one less enemy. Above all, she was startled at what security felt like. 

When she sees Katniss, she sees her victory. She wants to hurt her, wants to hurt her so bad. Talks to fire girl about little tiny bird girl. Remembers what it was to be small. It had never been enough.

It wasn’t an act. 

_She wasn’t enough._

Looking back, she wishes it had been an act. That she hadn’t meant those words.

The rock to her skull was probably a blessing.

But, she wouldn’t ever admit that.

::

When the girl on fire ends a war, Clove hates her for that too.

Hates that the games existed, hates how she was raised, hates what she became.

When Clove sees the darkness before her, shimmering in and out of existence, she runs towards it. She preferred numb bliss to this ache in her soul.

She was never any good with pain.

**Author's Note:**

> i mean idrk what this is but i hope you liked it


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